25 Aug Every Woman Needs a Retreat With Her Best Friend
About three years ago, while texting with my best friend who lives in Boston, I threw out the idea of going away for a few days together in a city we’d both never been to before. Katy and I hadn’t seen each other since before the pandemic, and before our lives had become so full with parenting, marriage, and balancing our careers. She jumped at the idea, and within a few weeks, we met for a few days in Austin, Texas.
We didn’t do anything significant or have a wild night out, just did the things we always did when we visited each other in our 20s – ate Thai food, drank some wine, watched reality TV, and talked at length about our lives and memories from college. Yet we both left the weekend feeling ridiculously energized, connected, and, as Katy put it, our “love tanks were full.”
Why Did an Unadventurous Trip Feel So Good?
The thing is, neither of us was trying to escape a life we didn’t like. We both had children we were obsessed with, husbands that were true partners, and jobs that felt very fulfilling. But even when you love the roles you play in life, they constantly require your energy and attention. Working full-time, managing the mental load at home, and having responsibilities that repeat day in and day out can leave you feeling like there is no time for just you.
And sometimes it’s not even that we need a break from those roles. We just need a little space to remember the parts of ourselves that exist outside of them. There are parts of me that don’t get a lot of airtime in my everyday life, not because they’re gone, but because being a mom, wife, therapist, and general manager of life tends to take up most of my waking hours.
There’s Something Different About A Longtime Friend
That’s part of what I realized was so different about spending a few days with an old friend. Katy and I have been friends for almost 20 years. She knew me before marriage, kids, and my career. There’s something comforting about being around someone who you don’t have to explain your whole backstory to because she was alongside me for the backstory.
She knows the college version of me, the single version, the figuring-out-my-career version, and all of the versions in between. When we’re together, those parts of myself seem to come back out naturally. We gossip. We reminisce. We eat what we feel like eating and get invested in terrible reality TV. We have nowhere we need to be. For a few days, the parts of ourselves that don’t get much airtime anymore get to resurface.
The Mom Guilt Of It All
Of course, taking a few days away requires planning and a partner or support system that makes it possible. There’s an unwritten rule many mothers seem to absorb that says we shouldn’t want to be away from our children. Even when we logically know our kids are perfectly fine spending a weekend with their other parent or family members, asking for 48 or 72 hours completely to ourselves can somehow still feel selfish.
But for the previous two years (730 days or so) I had been nothing but “on” and available for my family and for my clients. Was 3 days away really saying to my family and the world, “I’m so over being a mom and working!” No. It was putting down the responsibilities for a few days and knowing full well that I would be back and ready to jump back in.
Why I Call It a “Retreat”
So why do I call this trip, and the ones that followed, a “retreat” and not a “girl’s trip?” Katy and I have been on girls’ trips with our friends and they usually involved an itinerary of activities, staying out late, and hungover mornings.
A retreat is stepping away from your normal daily routine, busy environment, and digital distractions to focus on rest, reflection, and personal renewal.
And without the spa treatments and yoga, that’s exactly what we did.
Coming Home to Yourself and Your Life
I didn’t come home from Austin wishing I had fewer responsibilities or questioning the life I had built. Quite the opposite. I came home excited to see my family and feeling more ready to step back into my everyday life. I had just spent a few days putting down all the roles that usually required something from me and reconnecting with someone who knew me before I had most of them.
Since then, Katy and I have made these little retreats an annual priority. They don’t require an exciting destination or elaborate plans. Give us some Thai food, a couch, something terrible to watch on TV, and enough uninterrupted time to talk, and apparently our “love tanks” are good for another year.
Maybe that’s what a retreat really is: not escaping your life, but making enough space to reconnect with the parts of yourself that can get quiet inside of it.
