As if emotions weren’t already complicated enough, have you heard of the concept of primary and secondary emotions? It’s less complex than you may think, and can be helpful to distinguish our true feelings.
Primary emotions are simply our initial reactions to external events or stimuli. They are innate, and often shared across cultures. For instance, if your boss is reprimanding you, your primary emotion may be fear. The fear may tell you to run away, hide, or freeze. Perhaps running away from your boss in the middle of a work meeting is not environmentally appropriate, but the fear you may feel is certainly valid. You may fear losing your job, or you may be triggered by the yelling if you have experienced emotional abuse in your past. Either way, while the behavior of running away may not be helpful, the feeling of fear is protective and understandable.
Secondary emotions are our reactions to our emotions. I often call these secondary responses, as they more so lie in judgment than pure emotion. Take the same scenario of being yelled at by your boss. You may have the primary emotion of fear with the urge to hide or run away. A moment later, you may feel angry or ashamed that you felt fear as a response. Your inner monologue may sound something like this: Why did you shut down? You shouldn’t have let your fear show, now she thinks you can’t stand up for yourself. The anger at yourself is the secondary reaction to your primary emotion of fear. Other secondary emotions include shame, guilt, and anxiety. Secondary responses are often learned and protective.
Though judgment and evaluation are typical processes, they can lead to more harm than good. I often see clients immediately jump to their secondary reactions, because they find emotions to be dangerous, uncomfortable, or wrong. The difficulty here is that secondary reactions are often intense and lead to more destructive behaviors in attempt to numb the secondary feelings. Feeling angry at yourself for fearing your boss could lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem, which may lead you to use substances or self-harm in attempt to numb those sensations. It never works in the long run. So how do we prevent this cycle?
Validation and Self-Compassion
As we learned in Emotions 101, every primary emotion has a purpose. Though the primary emotion’s urges may not always be comfortable or appropriate for the setting you are in, they are not wrong to feel. Recognizing and validating our primary responses can tame the intensity of the secondary reaction. Validation of your own emotion may sound like, “Of course you felt fearful of your boss reprimanding you. You don’t want to lose your job. Her tone and actions also reminded you of when your mom used to yell at you when you were a child. It is understandable to have felt fear in that moment.” Note: the validation did not include condoning unfit behaviors; it was simply acknowledging that the primary emotion felt was just and acceptable.
One of the tenets of self-compassion is understanding the human experience. All humans have emotions and deal with difficult situations. Self-compassion is reminding yourself that you are allowed to feel what you feel, simply because you are a human in this world. Quite the opposite of judging yourself for experiencing emotions.
Do you need help understanding your emotional experiences and responses? Individual therapy can help.