One of my true loves is working with clients on challenging their perfectionism. As a recovering perfectionist myself, it’s been gratifying to have the real-life experiences of things not going perfectly, and turning out better than I could have imagined. 

But the idea of perfection is alluring to most. To be able to not make mistakes and please others is a clear fallacy, but one so many of us cling to as a desired personality trait. Though studies show that high levels of perfectionism are linked to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, deliberate self-harm, addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Here’s the definition of “perfectionism” from shame researcher, Dr. Brené Brown: 

“Perfectionism: the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”

Let’s unravel some of the myths that keep us striving for perfection.

Myth #1: Perfectionism Is The Same As Self-Improvement

Perfectionism may wear a mask of “trying to do well”, but it is covering the face of earning praise in order to feel worthy. Trying to improve yourself by learning to get better at things you enjoy (hobbies, work) and goals (to get up early, work out more) is about improving for the purpose of feeling better for yourself. They are sometimes behaviors that others don’t even notice. Perfectionism is trying to get better at those things in order for others to notice. This is a dangerous cycle as it requires the attention and approval of others, which is never guaranteed. This can lead to anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and life-paralysis.  

Myth #2: Doing Things Perfectly Is How They Are Meant to Be Done

Yes, there are generally standards by which things should be done. Even if you can get 100% on all of your tests, what did it take to be able to do that? Anxiety? Staying up too late to study? Ignoring all other areas of your life to get perfect grades? And for what? Now what’s happened is that you are unable to tolerate anything less than a 100 as acceptable, leading to frustration, self-blame, and shame. This fear of not getting a 100, or doing things perfectly, can also have the opposite effect by leading to not trying at all. 

Some things aren’t meant to be perfect, and perhaps those things are what make you human and relatable. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing pottery by mending the cracks with gold. The imperfections are what make the piece more beautiful.

Myth #3: If I Am Perfect, More People Will Love Me

This takes me back to the definition “…if I can live, look, and act perfect…people will not love or reject me.” Perfectionism is often a shield to hide our true selves. It’s a shield that (we think) keeps us protected from the hurt that can be experienced from vulnerability. But it also shields us from the love we can experience from vulnerability. It’s hard to be loved by others if you’re busy trying to be so perfect that you can’t let them see your true self.

The real truth? No one is perfect, and striving for perfection is likely to lead you to a life less happy than the one you have. Self-compassion is an antidote to struggles with perfectionism, and something you can learn in individual therapy.  Embrace your imperfection!