When it comes to difficult emotions, the biggest question I get from clients is: “How do I deal with feelings the healthy way?” It’s the million-dollar question that can be answered in a million ways, dependent upon each person. While brushing up on my self-compassion books recently, I stumbled across a metaphor regarding a mindful and compassionate approach to managing emotions: RAIN. It was formulated by mindfulness leader, Tara Brach, and stands for the following: 

R – Recognize what is going on

A – Allow or Accept the experience to be there

I – Investigate what is happening with kindness and curiosity 

N – Nurture with self-compassion

I love the simplicity of easy-to-remember acronym, but let’s dive deeper into these “easier-said-than-done” steps. 

Recognize What Is Happening

What can be hard for many who are used to avoiding emotions or are not attuned with their bodies is recognizing an emotion is present. This can be done by pausing and engaging in a brief body scan to identify if there are any bodily sensations present. It can also be helpful to work on developing your emotional literacy to better identify the emotion you are experiencing. 

Allow or Accept the Experience

Another difficult step when you are adverse to feeling is to accept the emotion and sensations. Many of my clients want to run away from their feelings as soon as they are aware of them, which can actually backfire and lead to a more intense sensation.  I like to remind clients that an emotion by itself cannot harm you; a strong reaction to an emotion is often what leads to harm. Allowing an emotion to be present may look like pausing, taking a deep breath, and reminding yourself you are having a human experience and that all emotions are allowed. 

Investigate With Care

This step tends to be the one VERY intelligent clients like to jump to. Who? What? When? Where? WHY? Sometimes we think that if we understand why something is happening, it will be solved. While this is an important step in the process, it is not to be used to avoid the feeling. 

It can be helpful to focus less on the facts around you, but to ask yourself “What is the story I am telling myself about this emotion or experience?” As mentioned before, it’s often our response to situations that create suffering. Then investigate inward on focusing what you need in the moment to best take care of yourself. 

Nurture with Self-Compassion

It can be tempting to tell ourselves why we shouldn’t feel something, or criticize ourselves for having an intense emotional response. That’s what makes this step so tricky. We are not trying to convince ourselves out of a difficult feeling, but offering ourselves care and compassion for our struggles. Why is this so hard? Probably because it feels a little corny. Self-compassion is more than telling ourselves:“You are kind and wonderful la la la”. It also includes treating ourselves as we would treat a loved one going through something similar. 

The best way I have found to do this is by asking myself this question: “If anyone else were having this experience, while dealing with X, Y, and Z, would they also be feeling this way?” Usually that answer is “yes”. Then I ask myself what I would say to that person as a means of comfort…and then try to believe that for myself. It’s tough, but after a lot of practice it can work.  

As always, seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional if you need additional assistance learning to cope with your emotions effectively.